they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
