Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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