I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
did i just pee glitter
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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