Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
