Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
