sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
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Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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