Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
