I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You took a bar mat shot.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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