Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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