No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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