i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
