I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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