I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
