remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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