It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
