Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Sorry about my life...
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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