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I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Randomize
