i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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