I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
