Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
