I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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