He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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