Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
