His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
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Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
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Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize