he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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