I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
ttyl tear gas
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
