True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
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