i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
