if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
