If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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