everyone is single if you try hard enough
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
