if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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