honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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