I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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