I got chris browned last night
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
ugly people sure do ruin things
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
