did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
