I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Church boner. Awkwardddd
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.