I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
i wish my penis had a tongue
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm like, not good at living.