so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
i now understand why vodka
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
