I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
