It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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