my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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