i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
A+ Viking dick
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
