do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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