You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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