She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
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