It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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