Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
