I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
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Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
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