Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
