She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
