This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
