I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
