ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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