I think I am morally bankrupt
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
