my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
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You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
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I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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