mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
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When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
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Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.