She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I need to align my fucking chakras
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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